Somone online somewhere wrote this nice summary of the first debate - enjoy:
LEHRER: Who could best prevent another 9/11?
KERRY: That would be me. Why? My ideas are just plain better.
BUSH: September 11! Al Qaeda! Terrorism! Taliban! Iraq! Saddam! Freeeeeedom! Wait, what was the question?
LEHRER: Well, would a Kerry win increase the risk of terror?
BUSH: No, because he's not going to win. Excuse me while I throw out some patriotic buzzwords.
KERRY: I can kill terrorists too, you know. Plus, I'm not a moron.
LEHRER: Okay, what 'misjudgements' has Bush made?
KERRY: Gee, where to start. Here's the big fuck-off list I made.
BUSH: Hey, you once said this war was a good idea too! And anyway, we're much safer without Saddam around.
LEHRER: So, Osama or Saddam?
BUSH: We can take down both! But Iraq is obviously central to the war on terror. That's why people are fighting there, duh.
KERRY: What the fuck? Iraq has nothing to do with terrorism! And now its a fucking mess!
BUSH: Well, what kinda message does that "wrong war/place/time" thing send? We need resolve!
KERRY: Yeah, but we also need credibility.
LEHRER: What about homeland security, then?
KERRY: Invest in homeland security! Stop cutting costs! Protect vulnerable targets! More firemen! Secure loose nuclear shit!
BUSH: Offence is the best defence! Attack Iraq! Raar!!
LEHRER: And when do the troops come home?
BUSH: When Iraqi people learn to take care of themselves!
KERRY: We'll call in some help, and they can all go home sooner.
BUSH: You don't believe in this war! You voted against military spending, Mr. "Wrong war/place/time." You'd be a terrible leader!
KERRY: Okay, so I screwed up on that vote. You screwed up this war.
LEHRER: Are Americans now dying in Iraq for a mistake?
KERRY: No. But there'd be a whole lot less of 'em dying if Bush hadn't alienated all our friends.
BUSH: Hey, we had a couple of allies! And besides, I know how these people think! They sure as hell won't join you, Mr. "Wrong war/place/time!"
KERRY: Your 'grand coalition' was a whole two other countries.
BUSH: You forgot about Poland. Anyway, as long as I'm in charge we're unstoppable!
LEHRER: What was the 'miscalculation' in Iraq?
BUSH: I didn't say a miscalculation. I said that those damn loyalists didn't want to face our massive armoured columns and die out in the desert, and now all those unsporting bastards are hanging around the cities causing trouble.
KERRY: And that wasn't a miscalculation how?
LEHRER: When has Bush misled the public?
KERRY: Well, I wouldn't say he lied. He just hasn't been candid. But here's the list I made up...
BUSH: OSAMA BIN LADEN! Ahem. I mean... Well, uh, I think you're pretty damn misleading yourself!
BUSH: You're inconsistent. Inconsistency won't win this war!
LEHRER: Has the war been worth the loss of life?
BUSH: Every life is precious. But it was worth it!
KERRY: It may be worth it, but your plan sucks. Mine is better.
BUSH: Is that so, Mr. "Wrong war/place/time?" You can't win jack shit.
KERRY: I beg to differ.
LEHRER: So when will the war in Iraq end?
KERRY: A lot sooner if I'm in charge.
BUSH: Wrong! It ends when the Iraqi people are free!
KERRY: You keep doing it all wrong. I've got a better plan.
BUSH: Stop hating freedom. I'm gonna win this thing.